I recently discovered that I am beautiful and before you rip my head off I still don’t care enough about that. Beauty to me is commodified. If you’re “thick” with a manicure, pedicure, clear skin,and sleek straight hair you’ve become a bad bitch. A bad bitch dates a certain type of guy and if you’re a nerd dating said bad bitch. You will gain the respect and envy of everyone. People constantly ask “How did you get her?” and you feel proud, but somewhere along that line it stops being fun. Everywhere you go, you’re probably getting stared at,men are constantly hitting on your girlfriend, especially in front of you! Your masculinity is challenged and your self esteem is dropping.
My sister is a stunning woman. Strangers have proposed to her on the street, every man feels honored to be with her even though her mannerisms and characteristics are that of Satan. People gravitate towards her and feel fortunate to be around her friend even though she was a terrible friend. She got free shit on the regular and the men she dated showed her off paraded her around their friends and families,and even had her come to their jobs to show off their beautiful girlfriend. My sister used her beauty to get what she wanted spa treatments, rent, clothes, a ring, a house, a loveless marriage but look at her!
Although my sister is beautiful, and noticing how people treated her and me. I knew I was kinder, more patient, I didn’t really care for gossip, and I never really cared too much about what people thought of me, but she was beautiful and I accepted long ago I wasn’t. People weren’t happy to see me, People didn’t give me free shit, being told I was ugly frequently and never once did I hear from my own mothers mouth I was beautiful. “Is this what it means to be beautiful?” I asked myself. I didn’t want any part of it.
Fast forward to 25. Guys are hounding me left and right for my phone number, men are smiling at me, I’m not told I’m ugly anymore by strangers, guys don’t act as embarrased to like me and I don’t know how the hell to process this. So, I opt for invisibility.
The next five years are much of the same.I refuse to believe that men are smiling at me because I’m attractive, guys are making passes at me because they’re genuinely interested in me. I wasn’t special. People told me so. My family told me so. What suddenly made me special?
Nothing is pretty much what I thought.
Fast forward to 30. I’m working at nursing home where I hear residents express their regret of never being satisfied with their looks.Not happy where they are now; longing to be their former self. Even if it meant a year ago or sixty years ago. They were never happy and didn’t know how to be. I knew that I felt that way in some aspects of my life. I longed for the body I once had because I was in great shape,but I let the cruel word of girls and women affect me and wore nothing but hoodies. I longed for the figure I once had that was quite beautiful, even the figure I had 2 years ago was quite breathtaking,but yet I let men I was in relationships with tell me “You’d be pretty if you had a bigger butt, a smaller waist, wider hips, bigger breasts”..I let that dwindle what little body confidence I had. I no longer wanted to regret not appreciating myself, I wanted to love myself in the here and now and think 5 years back with fond memories instead of “I looked like this five years ago? I was really pretty!”.
Fast forward to 31. I have to have my I.D. photo taken. I say “Oh fucking well”. Because I worked everyday for the past eight months and had not had a wash day in over a week. I felt hideous, I felt unprepared. I had wanted to buy an outfit and go to a salon to make sure my I.D. Photo was perfect, but didn’t. So, I was certain that my photo was going to be terrible. Nine days later I receive my I.D. and think for the first time, “Is that what I look like? Wow! I’m beautiful”. I was ready to attack my esteem for what I didn’t look like and take a moment to appreciate how I look in the here and now. If I felt rough, that particular you’d never guess it because my smile was warm. For the first time in my life I saw myself and realized I am beautiful no if,ands,or buts about it.