Trust

I’m struggling to navigate the idea of trusting someone and I am not sure if I can ever trust anyone again because throughout the years I have put my trust in people not worthy of having it and although it’s easy to blame them over broken trust. I take full responsibility in my role in trusting someone despite being skeptical of them, trusting someone simply out of fear of being alone, trusting someone because I felt fortunate they faked being my friend. Trust is something that has to be earned.

Learning to trust myself instead of allowing myself to be gaslit has become imperative in my growth and self discovery because I have realized my gut has been right all along. And as I have grown more confident, more self assured. I have become more distrustful of others because when something doesn’t check out I tend to stay away from that person to avoid any pain or further confusion. My past keeps me in a certain way from moving forward and my distrust keeps me away from others.

The first people we develop trusting relationships with is our parents I learned early I could not trust them to keep my secrets, protect me when I was afraid, and love me when I needed it. I looked to others to fill in the blanks.  My first memory of distrust happened in Kindergarten when I had caught my teacher eating my favorite bubblegum she had confiscated earlier  on a day where we shared our favorite snack. I had brought what I called “Bloody Mary” bubblegum. I don’t remember what I said, but I hardly doubt it was a curse word because I didn’t hear many of them when I was five, but I do remember going off of on her. While my five year old ass gave my teacher a piece of my mind because my teacher refused to give me my gum back and refused to distribute it among my classmates. While I was doing this my father happened to walk in to school that very day to check in on me.

Well, instead of my father listening to me about what my teacher had done. I was taken to the bathroom and given a spanking in one of the stalls and sent home for the rest of the day. There would be many instances in my life where I had expected my parents to advocate for me and instead I was in trouble.

I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone. Still don’t. And as I get older and older my ability to trust anyone is becoming nonexistent. I understand not trusting someone is out of protecting myself, but I always seem to trust people at the wrong time. Like feeling like a guy could be the one only to find out that very day that they are cheating on me, trusting a friend and treating that friend like family and finding out they’re fucking my boyfriend. Trusting a man with my body only to discover they’d gave me chlamydia. Deep down I knew not to trust them, I knew that behind their smiles was mischief. Behind their well meaning words meant nothing at all, behind their laughs was a tinge of bitterness. I knew better, but I didn’t do it.

I want a future of friends. I want a family. I want love,but right now I can’t trust anyone.

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