Pattern

Lately I’ve been writing a book on my my life. And I’ve began to notice a pattern.

  1. I start feeling sad and depressed
  2. I reach out to my mother for help and she calls me a name or puts me down
  3. that makes me feel even worse and I begin feeling suicidal
  4. A guy comes along and I think this guy will be a ray of sunshine to my life
  5. He takes everything from me: food, money, time, esteem
  6. I’m back to feeling unworthy and unlovable
  7. I reach out to my mother again, get rejected
  8. I’m back to suicidal and I alienate myself from others
  9. I wonder what is it about me that is so unlovable?

This has been the pattern of my life.  Lather, rinse,repeat. I know I get rejected from my mother, but I still reach out, I never think these guys as users and often feel fortunate to be in their graces, and they all left me the same way. Via text message blaming me instead of telling me they’re not interested: I’m too focused on my goals, I’m too fat, I’m too muscular, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not nice enough,etc,etc..

It was almost as if a map popped up in my mind. I knew what would happen next because this is the only reality I somehow allowed. And when I became aware I no longer wanted to make the same mistakes, love the same type of men, or seek validation from a mother who constantly rejects me. I just want to live my life. Grab onto what pieces of happiness I could find and smile.

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