I’m alone. And I acknowledge this finally as my fault, but I have entered a space that I don’t like. A space where repetition is second nature and I settle for the very worst in people because I don’t like being alone. A place where my phone is dry and I receive no emails, no texts, no phone calls, no invites. Nada.
During this time, I reach out to people. People who are usually busy and distracted in their own lives. This ends up making me feel lonelier than before once I call them and realize they moved on with their lives and I’m stuck in the past. They are surprised when they receive a phone call from me, and I feel forgotten. After this awkward phone call, I reach out to a guy who isn’t attracted to me for sex or I hang out with someone who takes pleasure in listening to my pain, I overeat and watch romantic movies fantasizing that one day I would experience my own romantic meet/cute.
BUT this time.. I’m going to do something different. I’m just going to ride this wave: I’m going to allow myself to feel all that I feel. I’m going to write about it, I’m going to find a distraction, I’ll get a hobby, and deal with this uncertain moment in my life. Because that’s all I fear uncertainty!! like many people fear spiders. I try to run from uncertainty and always make things worse. I find myself with a boyfriend who treats me like dirt, I find myself with a self absorbed friend, I find myself with a mother who constantly refuses to listen to me. BUT MY OWN COMPANY SHOULDN’T FEEL HARROWING…but for some reason right now it does feel so.
But I’ll make it through.