Tuesday

Today was hard. I didn’t have much motivation for my workout, but I did it. I pushed myself. When I didn’t feel like running I turned up the speed and incline, when I didn’t feel like lifting weights I took my time with finishing. When I didn’t feel like walking home I power walked.

I’m trying to figure out who I want to be. I’ve become so guarded I don’t even bother smiling. I’m not unhappy just afraid of who I am becoming. Life hasn’t been kind to me, this past year hasn’t been kind and I hurt on levels I can’t quite put to words. I’m looking to the future with plans of elbow grease, dentures, and autonomy.

I’m turning into a hurt bitter person who hates being around people.  I’m turning into a hopeless being who has thrown in the towel on dating and relationships because I’m a mess and I don’t give anyone a chance anymore. I just can’t get past the way men have treated me in relationships or how men I have liked treated me. I make it clear that I will not put up with any man treating me like dirt and I start to accept that it’s probably in their nature to do so and I am just going to end up alone. BUT is being alone the worse possible thing?

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